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Thursday, January 8, 2015

Does Time Heal All Wounds?


My saving grace has been my darling Sofia. Just holding her and feeling her breath on my cheek and the warmth of her skin against mine has been heeling in a mysterious way for me. I tell her constantly that her Uncle Vinny had all the intentions of coming to meet her once he got better. I also reminded her that his words were so comforting when she was being born "she was blessed before she was born, she will be fine." How I remember those words in my head and in my heart. How I miss him every day. We take our parents for granted and we tend to think "here they go again, do I really have to hear the same thing again?" Only there does come a time when they are no longer here and we think, how we wished we could heart those words from their mouth just one more time. But, when your sibling dies, you are hit by this massive blow to your heart and stomach. All you could think of is, how can this be? He is a kid, he is partner in crime, he is my childhood. But nothing changes, the void is still there. The emptiness is still there and time has not changed it mud. It just isn't as raw. Then you try to to think how do you impart these lessons to your kids. To stop and enjoy your loved ones because they are not always going to be around and you will miss them!!! Damn it listen to me, I want to spare you the pain. 

How does it feel to hold your child's child? Almost like the first time you held your own child but with a little more strength and confidence because it is no longer a mystery. You are now the teacher. " Oh grasshopper, have patience," is what I would like to tell my daughter but a long time ago I had decided I must always remember she is my child, but now she is woman and a mother worthy of her respect as such. So I try not to say too much, it is this high wire I walk on daily. I don't want my daughter and son-in-law to think I am usurping their authority, I don't want the child to feel I am the one with the know-how. But, in the end I remember that some how we all found our way. The way that works for the parents, the child and the household. I see how my daughter likes to co-sleep and keeps Sofia in the room in  her own crib. However, in the middle of night Sofia wakes and cries to be brought in and they concede. 

Now that they have arrived and are currently staying in our nest. Things are a little crazy. My dad still needs his caregiver/companion/housekeeper. My daughter and her family and dog are here all living in what was previously know as the "Princess Suite." Doesn't look too glamorous these days. There are baby clothes on the the shelves, diapers, and bags and suitcases and me's shoes. I keep hearing her say that it is so hard for them to all live in one bedroom. All I can think of is how it looks from this end. My once pristine house has crap all over the place. And not only in her old bedroom. It is in my son's Brandon's room because there is naturally an overflow. It is in my living room in the kitchen, even in the garage!!!! So in my head when I hear either one of them complain about how their life is a little upside down the pyrotechs go out in my head and they are quieter than the whistles and steam sounds as I yell in silence, "do you see what I see?" But the mom in me just smiles and says I know babe it is not how you want to start your nest, she quietly walks away with a glazed look and a plastered smile. 
The year is moving ahead, the pain is subsiding, Sofia is growing. Now my daughter has to make a decision if she really wants to go back to work or does she want to stay home. I side with her working. Why? After all I was a stay at home mom. Yes, I was a stay-at-home mom because my mom worked and my brother, younger sister and I went to sitters. But then again I always knew deep down inside that I was fully capable of caring for myself and my child should I need. I wasn't sure my daughter did. So I encouraged her by assuring her if she did not like the hustle of working and motherhood she could always resign and come home. After all, I had the perfect person to watch Sofia in my house and I would get out of school by 3 PM since I was still working as a teacher that year. 
A plan was set out how we can all work together so that my daughter could resume her career. I wanted her to try because I just needed he to know she could be independent if she ever needed to be. 
March 12, everyone is off to work including my daughter. I hurry up through my day because I needed to get back home to see how my granddaughter did. To my surprise my husband is home!!! But when I walk in I see a look in his eyes which is not exuding good news. I was gently told that my dad, who lived with us, suffered a stroke. Tragedy again? What is happening to my life!!!!!

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